hrrkkkh

18 Mar

Men!

Listen: your wife is suffering. Do you think she chooses to feel this way? Do you think the glow of one, two or even three babies ripening in her tummy is enough to cancel the pain and anguish of sleepless nights, perpetual sickness and an ever-expanding physique?

It’s possible to dull your own senses!
If the sound of your wife’s explosive vomit in the bathroom near the dinner table is offensive and stomach turning, no worries! After 2-3 straight weeks of repeat performances, you’ll barely notice. Encourage her to spew away to her heart’s content, the pasta Alfredo on the plate in front of you will be no less delicious!

Remember: you did this to her! That’s your seed she’s carrying! Man up and take responsibility! The burden of self-sacrificing, fearless fatherhood does not begin once those little ones glimpse daylight… IT BEGINS NOW.

Too vague? Okay, gents, let’s get practical!

Probably the biggest hurdle of the first trimester is the dreaded demon called Morning Sickness. (Hint: it isn’t just in the morning. In fact, your wife would prefer it if you didn’t refer to it as “Morning Sickness”. In fact, don’t refer to it at all. It’s best to just apologize a lot.)

Here’s how it works: she’s always nauseous. Always. It’s not a question of whether or not she’ll throw up today, it’s a question of how many times. Don’t wonder whether or not she’s sick. She is. If she’s not, she’ll let you know. But don’t hold your breath. She’s sick.

Also, keep in mind that it’s your fault. Oh, the fun you’ll have later, remembering your pitiable little arguments, trying to convince her she’s “being unreasonable” and you “have it tough also”! Ha ha ha! Little man, don’t you understand? This is pregnancy. It’s bigger than you! It’s bigger than all of us! Look at her: she’s swollen with life, bursting with matriarchal potential! Now look at you! G’wan. Look.

Exactly. You’re kind of an asshole.

But good news! You don’t have to be! Your put-upon spouse may be drowning in her own body chemistry, but you can help. Remember four simple words and you’ll effortlessly navigate these choppy waters. That’s all! Just four!

Ready?

Here they are:

  1. Don’t
  2. Be
  3. A
  4. Dick

Sounds easy, right? And, mostly, it is! Let’s dig deeper:

DON’T BE A DICK. The kitchen’s a mess and it’s been that way most of the week. Your wife would like to prepare a nice cup of bread-n-butter pickles for herself, but when she sees dishes in the sink, she gags… Well, don’t be a dick, man! Empty the dishwasher and replace them with the dirty ones. Maybe wipe the counter down a little. After all, she’s hungry. Seriously, dude, come on.

DON’T BE A DICK. If you cut your toenails on the couch, don’t leave them on the coffee table, unless you want her to blow chunks on the spot. She’ll hate you and you’ll hate yourself. And both of you will be right for doing so.

DON’T BE A DICK. She’s going to spend a significant portion of her week with her head in the toilet. Is it too much to ask you to scrub it down and pube-sweep the area? God, man, don’t be a dick.

DON’T BE A DICK. It’s 6:30 and you’re driving home from work, Irvine to Long Beach, which is some kind of haul. She phones you on the way: baby carrots. She has a jones for baby carrots. She knows you’re tired, but will you pick some up? Of course you will! She’s pregnant, numbskull! She’s hungry! This isn’t rocket science. Just do it! WTF

DON’T BE A DICK. No, it’s not traditionally your job to feed the cats, particularly their wet food. But keep in mind, your wife needs about 3,000 calories a day and, if she’s required to feed them herself, she stands a really good chance of losing about 1,200 of those calories right then and there. See what I mean, douchebag? Hello? Is this sinking in??? DON’T BE A DICK.

Good luck, fellas!

And remember: T.O.T. taught ya how!

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8 Responses to “hrrkkkh”

  1. Erin March 19, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

    Where, oh where, was this commentary when I needed it during both of my pregnancies??? Everything is spot on. You have helped many, Jer.

    • Jeremy March 21, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

      The ModVegan wondered how obvious it was to anyone who reads this post that I’m lousy at following my own advice. Guilty as charged, world.

  2. Danielle March 20, 2011 at 1:35 am #

    Great list…seriously you cut your toenails on the couch-YUCK!!!

    • Jeremy March 21, 2011 at 12:30 pm #

      What else are couches for, your majesty?

  3. lauren March 21, 2011 at 6:26 pm #

    i’m with erin on this one. in fact, even though we are done having babies, i think i’ll makethe hubs read this post anyhow. might win some ‘after the fact’ sympathy.

    • Jeremy March 22, 2011 at 6:46 pm #

      As long as it doesn’t earn me an ‘after the fact’ beating from the hubs.

  4. Steph March 24, 2011 at 12:00 am #

    so hilarious. so, so hilarious and such a bummer that a) she is so sick and b) you really think it’s okay to cut your toenails on the couch. Let’s just nip flossing on the couch in the bud, shall we?

    also, so flattered when you mentioned that you had only told family and “one or two close friends” and i knew that we were they!

  5. Jeremy March 24, 2011 at 3:42 pm #

    WE CAN ALL AGREE: TOENAIL CLIPPING ON THE COUCH IS VILE.

    And of course you would be in a spot near the top in our list, Steph! (By the way, we got your card and were both really moved and encouraged by it. Thanks.)

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