Babies ‘R’ Terrifying

18 Apr

Friends, we did it.  We looked into the abyss and glimpsed the future.  And we’ve returned to tell you about it.

For you see, on Saturday, friends, we pilgrimaged to Babies ‘R’ Us.


Look, I have no idea what sort of reputation Babies ‘R’ Us has in the baby-parenting community.  I have no doubt whatsoever that it’s probably seen as some oasis of convenience for sleep-hungry mommies who are in desperate need of one of those bulby-squeezy things to blow wax out of their baby’s ear or whatever.  But for baby n00bz like us, it was a total sensory assault.

This is the last thing I saw before passing out.

They don’t waste time, either. As soon as you walk through the door, you’re in the middle of Grand Central Station, next stop OnesiesVille. There’s no “easing” into Babies ‘R’ Us. Like lotto, you’ve gotta be in it to win it.

Our objective was simple enough: the wife has been having a hell of a time sleeping and the experts seemed to agree that what she was missing was a “body pillow.”  Carey saw a pretty attractive one on the Babies ‘R’ Us website, and we were in the neighborhood, so we stopped in.

It didn’t take long before we were swimming in options.  Options for everything.  Clothing options, bedding options, baby monitors, change stations, formula warmers, car seats, play pens… they had an item called The SuperYard, which, near as I can tell, is some sort of mini Mad Max-style Thunderdome for your living room, in case you want to get the wee ones interested in cage fighting early.

It's no small feat finding the loudest baby outfit in the store. Certain garments are only appropriate for a) baby girls or b) old women at the mall experiencing dementia.

I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason to expand your diaper options ad infinitum, but man I don’t know.  Our eyes bulged and we felt small and alone.

An associate walked up to us and asked if we needed any help.  We mentally surfaced long enough to notice that we’d drifted into the stroller section.  Carey asked, “uh, do you have strollers for three?”

He shook his head.  “No, we have a lot of 2 seaters, but no 3s.  I know they make ’em, but that’s pretty specialized.”

“We’re having triplets this summer,” I told him.

He covered his mouth and suppressed a laugh.  “Hoh man.”

I don't know what you're selling, sneaky baby, and I don't trust your furtive side-glances. You hear me, sneaky baby? I have no business with you. So, good day then. MADAME, I SAY GOOD DAY.

The designers of this device endeavored to recreate the experience of Six Flags, reduced to a 1.5 square foot area, and baby-proofed. Congratulations, science.

Oh, you need a baby hygiene product of some sort? Let me go hit the hygiene aisle.

I'm sure I'll only be a minute.

We eventually got out of there with our body pillow (which has indeed helped), but not before signing up for a Babies ‘R’ Us rewards card.  At some point in the very near future, we’ll need to register for baby shower stuff, but, at the moment, our eyeballs haven’t stopped spinning.

The wife mentioned that she had no idea, pre-B’R’U, how much we have to learn about this whole parenting deal.  (Kids outgrow car seats?  You have to buy more than one of these things per kid as they get bigger?  At $200+ per car seat, per triplet, per growth cycle, that works out to roughly, mm, awholelottafriggindough.)  She suggested we do what our also-expecting friends Tony and Stacey are doing, which is take weekend baby classes.  After this experience, I’m not ruling it out.

Anyhow, it was our first visit of likely many to come to America’s Infant MegaMart.  Like some kind of expectant-father-former-P.O.W., I’m not looking forward to going back in, but, by god, I’ve gotta do it eventually.  After all, I’ve got buddies in there who are counting on me.

For the triplets.  THE TRIPLETS.


25 Responses to “Babies ‘R’ Terrifying”

  1. modvegan April 18, 2011 at 6:38 pm #

    Haha, couldn’t have said it any better myself! Though I did kind of dig that loud baby outfit I found. 😉 Glad we’re in this together babe. For the triplets!

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 2:56 pm #


  2. lauren April 18, 2011 at 6:45 pm #

    So you survived! This is good. Next time you might be able to focus on specifics for your registry, then! 🙂 And, if we could figure out a way to get it to you, Erin and I could hook you up with half of that crap for free. For real. (Even the boppy pillows! We’ll keep the baby and her furtive glances with us…) Hilarious post.

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

      We’re all about accepting charity.

  3. Sarah April 18, 2011 at 7:01 pm #

    For triplets, you need 2 SuperYards. You attach them to make one gigantic SuperYard so you don’t have to crawl after 3 babies. 🙂

    Look to see if you can get a used copy of the book Baby Bargains – it rates cribs, car seats, etc. I found it helpful.

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 2:55 pm #

      Man, I don’t know if we have living room real estate to accommodate 2 SuperYards. Looks like we’re moving.

      Re: Baby Bargains. Consider it Amazon shopping-carted. Thanks, Sarah.

  4. Esther Hanes April 18, 2011 at 9:16 pm #

    We got our triplet stroller that includes the carseats on craigslist for $250.

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 2:56 pm #

      Including all 3 carseats?

    • StayatHomeTripletDad April 21, 2011 at 6:49 am #

      I would suggest that you buy a used stroller but NOT a used carseat.

  5. Danielle April 19, 2011 at 4:36 am #

    Hahaha…oh my I can’t stop laughing. In some ways I wish I was there, if I was you would be off the hook “a little” at least. Of course I love going into baby stores! Also, that loud baby outfit would be a BIG hit here in Japan (seriously). You two are doing such a great job easing into all the baby stuff! I think Esther has the right idea- Craigslist seems like a good way to go:) Love hearing your perspective Jer, you are a great Dad already!!!

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

      Aw, Danielle. If you love baby stores, maybe you’d be willing to take the bullet for your dear friend Jer.

  6. Randy Bear April 19, 2011 at 5:21 am #

    Babies R Us is a cool place to visit for sure. Sensory overload on all things “babies.” But a bit over-priced. And being the seasoned baby shopper that this grandpa has become, I have found Target to be a pretty good “baby superstore” with prices that are more budget friendly. Good selection with a more than sizeable department devoted to the little cherubs.

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 2:58 pm #

      I’d wondered if those prices were high, low or in-between. My fingers were crossed that this was on the high-end side…

  7. Erin April 19, 2011 at 5:37 am #

    Ah… the Babies R Us experience! I remember being on the verge of a panic attack when I tried to register for my shower when I was pregnant with Parker. But, as you’ll soon find, that store is like crack. It’s something you don’t think you’ll ever need… but the more you have of it, the more you want of it. Seriously though, once you get past the overwhelming stage, it really is nice to be able to physically see so many baby itmes you’ve looked up online in one spot.

    P.S. The suspicious baby–you’ll want a boppy for sure!
    The $200 Britax carseats–don’t need ’em!
    The Six Flags exersaucer–those things are priceless! Babies LOVE them!!

    • Jenny Lovette April 19, 2011 at 10:43 am #

      Erin, I agree with you…2/3…the boppy & 6Flags, but the Britax carseats are the BEST and while they are bit more expensive on the front end, they have the BEST crash ratings out there and its the last one you’ll have to buy (after the infant carrier) cuz they last up to 55 or 60 lbs and can be rear or forward facing! But that’s just my opinion–I love mine and are worth every cent for peace of mind (not to mention if we do (God forbid) get in a serious car accident)!

      • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 3:00 pm #

        We’re having so many kids, though, I wonder if they can just sort of act as padding for each other in the case of an accident.

        • Jenny Lovette April 20, 2011 at 7:44 am #

          oh yeah…since your bubble is already burst…they do have special bobby’s for nursing twins (they cost EVEN more!) Good thing she doesn’t have three boobs…I’d had to see how much THAT pillow would cost! ha ha ha

      • StayatHomeTripletDad April 21, 2011 at 6:47 am #

        After the infant seats we also went with Britax. Nothing like dropping a grand to get three of them! We got our infant ones through showers:)


  8. Cary April 19, 2011 at 7:22 am #

    You’ve probably already had a ton of advice…but seriously, you need to hook up with your local Mom’s of Multiples support group. They have been-there-done-that and can give tons of advice of what you REALLY need. Plus, they usually have awesome twice-yearly consignment sales where you can pick up quality baby stuff for a good price…maybe even a triplet stroller.

    And yep, you need the superyard. 2 of them.

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 3:00 pm #

      We keep hearing about this MoM business. It seems like the way to go.

  9. Bob W. April 19, 2011 at 9:36 am #

    Funny stuff, Jeremy. I feel for you. My head spins when we go shopping for the grandkids so I can imagine how overwhelming this is for you guys. At least I have an experienced shopper (your Mom) to lead me around the baby stuff isles or else everyone would just get a gift card from Borders. (They’ll learn to read evetually, right?). Check out for baby stuff and I see you can sign up for something called “Amazon Mom” at Amazon.

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 3:01 pm #

      Thanks, Bob.

  10. Christy Bowersox April 19, 2011 at 2:04 pm #

    I have to recommend the book Baby Bargains. I don’t know what edition is out as mine is about 9 years out of date! I thought it was a really helpful guide to the ridiculous amount of gear you will need.

    One thing I wish I had known about carseats was that you can get ones that will last a lot longer. The carseats you need after the baby carriers can last them all the way through if you get the right one. For Katie I didn’t get the right one, but I figured it out for Grace. They make ones that can be used as convertible seats and then as a belt-positioning booster. Gracie was in hers forever!

    And if you don’t yet know what I mean by convertible seats and belt-positioning booster, don’t worry. You will. By the time you have these babies you will be able to write a book on baby gear!

    I’m loving reading your blogs! Tell Carey she looks beautiful!

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 3:03 pm #

      Thanks, Bowermaus. Baby Bargains, check. Convertible belt-booster, check.

      Carey beautiful, double check.

  11. StayatHomeTripletDad April 21, 2011 at 6:45 am #

    By no means are we “experts” but we wasted A LOT of money on CRAP, ie wipes warmer. I might have provided this before but here is the stuff we liked:

    Our first stroller was the TripleDecker:

    Have fun!


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