WIFE: It’s really been hurting my feelings lately and I know you’re only kidding, but it’s very hard on me and you should know that.
ME: What do you mean?
WIFE: All the jokes about how fat I am. I know what I look like, it’s not funny!
ME: Honey, I haven’t made any fat jokes about you! What are you talking about?
WIFE: You have! The past week or two especially, it’s gotten really bad. Like when you said, “too bad you can’t fit into that dress.” That’s–
ME: Okay, hang on. That’s not what happened. You’ve been talking the last several weeks about having a hard time fitting into any of your clothes because of the belly. And when you said something about not “fitting in” with other pregnant ladies, I said, “like the skirt.” It was a comment about the belly, just goofing around! It wasn’t a “you’re fat” kind of thing!
WIFE: How is that not a fat joke?!
ME: I guess I just thought belly-specific comments were okay. It’s not like you’re letting yourself go or becoming unattractive or something. Look at you, you’re beautiful! A big belly is what’s supposed to happen! It’s good!
WIFE: Well, it’s hurtful. I’m thinking of telling Danielle about some of your shenanigans.
ME: Augh god, please, don’t tell Danielle. She’ll never let me off the hook.
WIFE: You don’t know what this is like! It’s not comfortable!
ME: Okay. Okay. Listen: I’m sorry. Those comments are insensitive and I apologize.
WIFE: Yeah, but you’re going to keep making them. You think you’re clever and you can’t help yourself.
ME: No, I won’t. It’s done. Seriously.
WIFE: Everything just keeps getting bigger and bigger and it sucks. My belly, my face, my boobs. And it’s only going to keep going!
ME: I know. I know.
WIFE: I walk around and the insides of my legs are all chafed and sensitive!
ME: Oh, chub rub?