Fat

19 Apr

WIFE: It’s really been hurting my feelings lately and I know you’re only kidding, but it’s very hard on me and you should know that.

ME:  What do you mean?

WIFE:  All the jokes about how fat I am. I know what I look like, it’s not funny!

ME:  Honey, I haven’t made any fat jokes about you!  What are you talking about?

WIFE:  You have!  The past week or two especially, it’s gotten really bad.  Like when you said, “too bad you can’t fit into that dress.” That’s–

ME:  Okay, hang on.  That’s not what happened.  You’ve been talking the last several weeks about having a hard time fitting into any of your clothes because of the belly.  And when you  said something about not “fitting in” with other pregnant ladies, I said, “like the skirt.”  It was a comment about the belly, just goofing around!  It wasn’t a “you’re fat” kind of thing!

WIFE:  How is that not a fat joke?!

ME:  I guess I just thought belly-specific comments were okay.  It’s not like you’re letting yourself go or becoming unattractive or something.  Look at you, you’re beautiful!  A big belly is what’s supposed to happen!  It’s good!

WIFE:  Well, it’s hurtful.  I’m thinking of telling Danielle about some of your shenanigans.

ME:  Augh god, please, don’t tell Danielle.  She’ll never let me off the hook.

WIFE:  You don’t know what this is like!  It’s not comfortable!

ME:  Okay.  Okay.  Listen: I’m sorry.  Those comments are insensitive and I apologize.

WIFE:  Yeah, but you’re going to keep making them.  You think you’re clever and you can’t help yourself.

ME:  No, I won’t.  It’s done.  Seriously.

WIFE:  Everything just keeps getting bigger and bigger and it sucks.  My belly, my face, my boobs.  And it’s only going to keep going!

ME:  I know.  I know.

WIFE:  I walk around and the insides of my legs are all chafed and sensitive!

ME:  Oh, chub rub?

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20 Responses to “Fat”

  1. modvegan April 19, 2011 at 9:40 am #

    Oh jeez. 🙂

  2. Karey Hall April 19, 2011 at 12:25 pm #

    jeremy/Carey- All this time I just thought this triplet talk was some goof off thing until Joey asked me if I was following your stuff on FB…of course I just saw your posts and I thought it was a joke but he said it was true and I admit I’m shocked! Parenting is frightening no matter if you have 1 at a time or 6 but tis true, God wont give you more than you can handle. Its hard work in the beginning but it gets easier or at least one day your sleep will return and it will feel like it’s getting easier. Those 1st months are especially hard when you get no feedback at all but then all of a sudden one day you get a smile from them and maybe a little eye contact and your whole world changes life just got sweeter in an instant. Congratulations!

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

      It’s for real, Karey Hall. Thanks for reading and for the encouragement.

  3. Chrissy April 19, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

    Careful, Jeremy, careful.

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

      The wife phoned me up to inform me that I’ve likely lost constituents with this post. My hope is that my fellow men can learn from my buffoonery and dodge the mistakes I’ve made.

      • Jon April 20, 2011 at 8:03 am #

        Many lessons have I learned from your buffoonery o’er the years, Jer, and I thank you for blazing the buffoonery trail so transparently. May your constitchency grow!

        • Jeremy April 20, 2011 at 10:21 am #

          If I’m going to be an embarrassing loser, I tend to do it big and publicly.

  4. Allison Wonderland April 19, 2011 at 1:56 pm #

    Who’s Danielle?

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

      She’s Carey’s closest friend, who happens to live in Sendai. She thinks she’s hot stuff because she survived a tsunami, but SHE’S NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

      • modvegan April 19, 2011 at 3:47 pm #

        Oh my gosh Jeremy I am cracking up!!

  5. Christy Bowersox April 19, 2011 at 2:13 pm #

    Yeah. Just commented on your last post and then read this one.

    Go tell your wife she looks beautiful again!

    • Jeremy April 19, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

      Quadruple check.

  6. pam April 19, 2011 at 3:20 pm #

    Dude. you are treading on VERY thin ice. However, no one calls REAL fat women fat, so I know you don’t really mean it. just concentrate on “glowing” and words like that. 😉

  7. Danielle April 19, 2011 at 3:32 pm #

    Oh I am laughing…First off your little secret is out! Chub Rub…now you know that is WRONG! It is a fine line my friend and you have many more months to walk it!!! Be careful 😉 Remember your new golden rule- Happy Mom = Happy Home!!!!

  8. Dave April 19, 2011 at 6:22 pm #

    Jeaoure, you crack me up. Chub rub? Really? That is totally uncalled for…but very hilarious. We are continuing to pray for both of you. We love you guys.

  9. Steph April 19, 2011 at 8:03 pm #

    Okay, I am going to expose my complete insensitivity and ignorance right now, but I have never understood why pregnant women mind being called fat (and I say that as someone who is highly sensitive to any such comments about myself)–I would think that being pregnant is so obviously not the same thing that it’s like, I don’t know, commenting on wearing an unusual hat or something. To me it has nothing to do with being fat. But obviously I’ve never been pregnant! Anyway: Carey isn’t fat, just pregnant, which is apples and oranges–but Jeremy, you are obviously going to be cursed now with chub rub, and when that happens, I will be very sensitive and not point it out.

    • Jeremy April 20, 2011 at 10:20 am #

      Steph, I’m hoping others weigh in (npi) on your musings, because I fear my weight commentary license has been temporarily revoked.

  10. StayatHomeTripletDad April 21, 2011 at 6:37 am #

    The real rule #1 is “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy but that still does not guarantee your happiness:)”

    On a bit of a sad note, just wait. My wife when NUTS after the kids were born. I mean emotions on steroids and not the nicer ones we have now. I mean the Lyle Alzado kind. I still remember the day she was discharged and the kids were in the NICU… “MY BABIES!!!!” Just learn the “honey, I love you” and “is there anything I can do?” with the right tone of voice.

    BTW, EVERYTHING you say will be wrong, get use to it:) She will know she is being irrational but that doesn’t matter. Think of it as being on the witness stand… you just respond to the question at hand and DO NOT elaborate or expand your answer. If there is no question DO NOT provide and answer. For example…

    Wife: “These kids are taking my youth and my body”
    You: “I love you honey”

    Hang in there!!

    Al

    • Jeremy April 21, 2011 at 10:19 am #

      Think of it as being on the witness stand… you just respond to the question at hand and DO NOT elaborate or expand your answer. If there is no question DO NOT provide an answer.

      Hahaha!

      • Danielle April 21, 2011 at 3:37 pm #

        This makes me laugh, while I have never been pregnant
        , I am sure Al must be right. Jer- listen up and take note, maybe you should get his number in case of emergency.

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