The Bear Boys

7 Jun

Our sons are gone, but their spirits remain in our hearts, our home, our heads.  Speaking as a father, I’ve never been prouder of anything than I am of these boys and I’d be remiss if I didn’t take the opportunity to introduce them.


Rudyard Bear
b. 6:28 am, 6/4/11
1 lb., 1 oz.  /  10-1/2 in.

Rudyard was “Baby A”, whose sac ruptured Tuesday evening.  He fought hard to replenish his fluid over the following few days, but was eventually forced to surrender to the weight of his brothers and the stresses of infection.  We saw him, his heart beating weakly on an ultrasound screen, minutes before his delivery.  By the time he’d completed his journey through the birth canal, he was considered stillborn.

When I was in high school, my favorite poem was If, by Rudyard Kipling and it’s remained so to this day.  It provides what I consider to be perfect instructions for any boy anywhere on the requisites of becoming a man.  At 16, I told friends I’d one day have a son named “Rudyard” and, mostly, they laughed.  But it’s always been a dream of mine and I petitioned my wife, when we discovered our triplets were boys, to set it aside as the name of our oldest.

Rudyard was very likely going to wind up being his Dad’s boy.  I’m an oldest son myself and even though we’d planned to keep the boys’ birth order a secret, I suspected I’d always have a very unique and immediate bond with Rudyard.  Shortly after his birth, I held him, told him how proud of him I am, assured him I loved him and later thanked him for selflessly protecting his mother and brothers from the infection that had ravaged him.

Before saying goodbye, I recited the final lines of If to Rudyard.

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!


Desmond Bear
b. 7:03 am, 6/4/11
13.8 oz.  /  10-3/4 in.

Desmond was “Baby B”.  At various moments throughout the pregnancy, Carey would feel the babies kick and the vast majority of the time, it was Desmond she was feeling.  The small handful of times I felt a kick, it was always Desmond.

He was born without any doctor assistance.  In fact, when he came, our doctor wasn’t even in the room.  He emerged healthy and without a mark, perfectly colored, with a head of dark brown hair.  If our boys were Beatles, Desmond would’ve been “The Handsome One”, as he emerged completely free of infection with ideal proportions and features.  He was tall and lean, maybe the strongest of the three.

Carey had picked Desmond’s name for a few different reasons.  TV is filled with lots of sexy/dark/mysterious leading men, but LOST’s Desmond Hume was the sort of animal you don’t see a lot these days in popular entertainment: a true romantic.  We pictured our boy as suave and slick, who ladies would one day fight over.  And speaking of The Beatles, it didn’t hurt that he shared his name with another Desmond, the one from The White Album’s Ob-la-di Ob-la-da, the story of another romantic soul.

But in the time I spent with Desmond, I found myself telling him the most about his third namesake, Desmond Tutu.  “There’s a very silly idea in this world,” I told him, “that it’s best to judge people a certain way or treat people differently because of what they look like or where they came from or who’s in their family.  There are a lot of words for it, but some people call it ‘apartheid’ and Desmond Tutu spent a lot of time telling people that there are better ways to do things, smarter ways to see into a person’s heart.  And that’s what we were hoping you could someday show to others.”

Of the three boys, Desmond stayed with us the longest.  As he did his best to gasp air into his tiny lungs, we assured him we’d continue holding him, that we wouldn’t leave him alone for the rest of his life.  “Be brave, young man,” we said.  “Your parents love you.  We’re proud of you.  Don’t be afraid to let go when you need to.  We’ll be right here.”

Desmond stayed with us for nearly an hour and 30 minutes after his birth.


Oscar Bear
b. 8:40 am, 6/4/11
11 oz.  /  9-3/4 in.

Oscar, “Baby C”, was nearly our miracle baby, who seemed to be staying put in his mom’s womb for over an hour and a half after Desmond’s birth.  Throughout the pregnancy, Rudyard and Desmond would crowd and kick each other, while Oscar always seemed to float high above the melee, opting to let his brothers work out their differences amongst themselves.  He was typically the sleepiest of the three, the “laziest” as Dr. Chao warned us.

Only a few short moments after Desmond’s post-birth passing, the womb around Oscar shrank to the point of breaking his water, inspiring labor.  His was a rough entry, a breech birth, and Dr. Chao told us later that she did her best to reposition him for the cleanest, safest arrival.  He came left-arm-first, causing said arm to dislocate and purple violently.  He was bruised, but clearly whole, the smallest of the group, the runt of litter.

We’d stumbled upon his name only recently.  Carey remarked throughout our naming discussions that she thought Baby C’s moniker should be something fun and rascally.  She more or less plucked “Oscar” out of the blue and it immediately felt right to both of us.  After all, we’d planned on reading the fairy tales of Oscar Wilde to our brood.  I’d portrayed “Oscar” in The Odd Couple in high school and again in college.  And since it was a theater audition that first introduced me to Carey, we thought it appropriate to name him after what’s popularly recognized as acting’s highest honor.

In our short time with him, we did our best to comfort and swaddle him, which wasn’t easy, as his frame was too tiny and delicate to wrap up properly.  We told him who he was; I explained the proud tradition of Bear Men and how our family’s biggest challenge is usually sitting still and staying quiet.  I described what an “Oscar” is and how to dream big.  “They don’t just give them to actors,” I told him. “Writers, directors, musicians, people who create beautiful things to look at… all sorts of artists can win an Oscar.  Old men have gotten them and even a few little children.  You just have to be very committed to being the best you can be at what you love doing.”

Oscar did his best to breathe in the short time he was with us.  Like his brother before him, we assured him we wouldn’t leave him as long as he was with us.  We told him just how much his parents love him, but he would need to take courage.  “You’ll be back with your brothers very soon, son.  Take care of one another.  Let them know we’ll all be back together again one day.”

I kissed his head and told him, finally: “Oscar, my boy, I promise you.  Our time was short, but I’ll think of you every single day for the rest of my life.”

Oscar stayed with us nearly 40 minutes before going on to join his brothers.


They fought hard, to a man, and I can think of no better tribute to these boys of mine than to do my best to follow their example.

It’s, after all, what they would have wanted.

Advertisements

124 Responses to “The Bear Boys”

  1. Rebecca June 7, 2011 at 9:25 am #

    You don’t know me, but I’ve been following your story, and I am so thankful that you introduced your sons. Thoughts and prayers coming to you, Carey, and of course, Rudyard, Desmond and Oscar.

    • Laura Herbst-Agee June 9, 2011 at 7:09 pm #

      A very beautiful and fitting tribute. Wonderful introductions. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with all of us. My heart aches so for you and Carey. I continue to keep you all in my prayers.

  2. pam June 7, 2011 at 9:32 am #

    Thank you for sharing your sweet boys with us. You picked wonderful names for them, very fitting. They will live on in so many hearts, those boys.

  3. Erin Robbins June 7, 2011 at 9:36 am #

    What an honor to be introduced to your precious sons. I love the significance of their names! As I’ve said before, you guys are never far from my thoughts and will remain in my prayers. May God sustain and protect and provide for you as you mourn.

  4. Ami Bunch June 7, 2011 at 9:39 am #

    The tears are streaming down my face. Like so many, I’m still in disbelief over what has happened, but so proud of you as their father for writing such perfect tributes about the three baby boys who will forever have your heart. My heart aches deeply over how you are both feeling and I just wish there were something more that could be done to take away your pain and sadness. Their names, well, they’re perfect. Absolutely perfect. I will think about your babies every day. They are a reminder to so many just how precious life is. See, they’re already working good things in this world… 🙂

  5. A Sobbing Reader June 7, 2011 at 9:41 am #

    Oh, Jeremy…..bawling out loud. You are the Perfect Father. Each son’s uniqueness, each spirit and your heart-gift to each: Gratitude for your sharing.

  6. Jamie (Benjamin) and Dan O'Hare June 7, 2011 at 9:41 am #

    Your children are loved deeply by you, by a wealth of family, friends, and compassionate strangers, and by our Lord. Their lives have touched the lives of many more than most of our lives ever will. That same love is extended to you both as you find a new normal.

  7. CarlyAnne June 7, 2011 at 9:45 am #

    Thank you for taking the time to introduce us to your beautiful boys. Your name choices are perfection. And, I know Rudyard, Desmond and Oscar are smiling down at you as you tell their story.

  8. Aaron and Sarah June 7, 2011 at 9:50 am #

    Jeremy,
    This was one of the most beautiful and honoring things I’ve ever read from a father. I love your insight into their souls. They were brave warriors in a mighty battle for life. Thank you for introducing them to us. I most regret that my own son won’t have the opportunity to be impacted by your sons as young college men the way I was impacted in those years by their father.

  9. Molly Detweiler June 7, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    There is no way to read this without weeping…but part of it is from joy…that you loved so well in spite of such a tragic circumstance. It made me love those boys too. I like to think they are playing with our three little ones, lost to miscarriage over the course of 11 months. It is in no way the same level of pain, but I do know the ache of losing such longed for children. I know we didn’t know one another well in college, but I always admired you both for your talents and now I admire you even more for your hearts. I wish I could be there to hug you both and do something tangible.

    On a side note, many people came to me at church on Sunday and shed tears as they told me that they had been praying for you and would continue. Know that you are loved and lifted up, even by many who you’ve never met.

    With love,
    Molly

  10. Devan @ Unspoken Grief™ June 7, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    Thank you so much for introducing us to your strong boys. My heart is with you all as you go through this – i am SO sorry. xxo

  11. missohkay June 7, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    I’ve been silently following your story and rooting and praying for you and your wife. Thank you for sharing the precious moments you had with your boys. I’m so sorry the world didn’t get to know them better but they were treasured nonetheless.

  12. Katie Hinman June 7, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    Thank you for sharing their names and their special meanings. It is a beautiful tribute to your boys. You are in my thoughts and prayers always.

  13. zak June 7, 2011 at 9:55 am #

    I am so very sorry.

    Thank you for sharing this, you did right by the boys.

  14. Dawn June 7, 2011 at 9:56 am #

    What a beautiful tribute to your sons. I pray that God will comfort you and Carey.

  15. sarah June 7, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    I am so sorry you went through this journey. My prayers today are for you and your wife, and your angels.

  16. Jon & Daisy Austin June 7, 2011 at 10:04 am #

    Thank you so much for introducing the boys to us. Their names are beautiful and so fitting, and I feel so grateful to have experienced them through your words.

  17. Trudy June 7, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    I have been following your story through Molly Detweiler. I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your three boys. Your heartfelt tribute is a beautiful memorial to Rudyard, Desmond and Oscar. Wishing you all peace at heart.
    Trudy

  18. Aaron Crabtree June 7, 2011 at 10:10 am #

    With tears I just read about your amazing sons. Thank you for sharing them with us. You were so intentional with them. I’m so glad that you got to spend at least a few minutes with each one. sarah

  19. Melissa Browning Dekker June 7, 2011 at 10:15 am #

    A beautiful tribute for three beautiful boys. My heart breaks for you and your loss. We continue to pray for strength, peace and encouragement. We also pray for Carey as her body heals physically and emotionally.
    Love and prayers,
    Melissa

  20. Valerie June 7, 2011 at 10:16 am #

    Rudyard, Desmond and Oscar are so lucky to have you as their father. This is a beautiful tribute to them. I don’t think there will be a dry eye from anyone who reads it. Thank you so much for sharing your boys with us.

  21. Tereasa June 7, 2011 at 10:24 am #

    You ARE a very great father. You will always be a father. You are doing a noble job of an incredibly difficult task. I am mother to a child who is no longer physically present. It’s the most self-sacrificing way to have to parent. God will be present on your road. Hugs to all 5 of you.

  22. Stephanie June 7, 2011 at 10:33 am #

    beautiful ~ every word, as I am sure each moment with your sweet baby boys were. I love their names, simply love them. Your boys felt and experienced your love in such a powerful way. You did them all a great honor and gave them a beautiful life and loving passing from this world. You are both amazing parents and I hope that no one ever forgets that, especially you two.

    As these days pass on and endlessly pull you away from your time with them ~ know that they are not forgotten by me.

    As personal experience will be different for each of you in your grief. . . I pray that you will support one another and give one another permission to be in these impossible moments of pain. You babies are now gone, but you both are left to survive this ~ as all parents must when children leave us first. I hope you know that you are not alone and will be thought of often.

  23. Kirsten Greer June 7, 2011 at 10:40 am #

    Jeremy, you are such an amazing Dad. Thanks for introducing us to your sons. I love all of their names. So special. With tears in my eyes, I’m praying for you all.

  24. mark June 7, 2011 at 10:49 am #

    Rudyard, Desmond, Oscar, your time on Earth was short, but your impact will be long-felt. You are three beautiful boys that have touched the lives of many. May your journey be peaceful and joyful.

    Jeremy and Carey, you are beautiful parents. Thank you for sharing this beautiful tribute to the lives of your boys. You have inspired me at each step along the way.

    I am praying that you’ll work through your mental, spiritual and physical recoveries in good speed and that you’ll emerge healthier and stronger — with a sense of fulfillment to replace the incredible well of sorrow you must now feel.

    Hugs, Mark.

  25. Melissa DM June 7, 2011 at 11:24 am #

    Thank you for sharing your boys with all of us strangers out here. What a way for a father to honor his sons. I pray for peace for your family.

  26. Whitney June 7, 2011 at 11:54 am #

    I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boys. Their names are perfect (just like each one of them). You are in our prayers daily and I wish you peace as you move through the next days and weeks. Your boys have touched so many other lives and I hope you know that you are in the hearts of many.

  27. Angela Dephouse June 7, 2011 at 12:02 pm #

    Rudyard will be missed for the little Jer he would have been: the leader, the talker, the guard dog for his brothers.

    Desmond will be missed for the little Carey he would have been: the activist, the stud, the champion of the weak.

    Oscar will be missed for the unique blend of both of you he would have been: the performer, the prankster, the little squirt you can never find in hide-and-seek, the one that never refuses a dare.

    I feel like I knew them before you ever introduced them to us; now I know them for real. Thank you for sharing your sons, your story, your soul. You are all loved more than you know.

  28. Tanya June 7, 2011 at 12:09 pm #

    A beautiful tribute to your sweet baby boys. Thank you for taking the time to share. Again, though we’ve never met, your story has touched me. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this very difficult time.

  29. Liz June 7, 2011 at 12:12 pm #

    Thank you for sharing this and for honoring your amazing sons in such a beautiful way. I am so, so, so sorry for your loss.

  30. Melody June 7, 2011 at 12:26 pm #

    Jeremy- I’ve never met you, but apparently we have two mutual friends, Matt Nightingale and Polly Lott. Both referred me to your blog and I’m so glad they did. Thank you for sharing your beautiful and heart-wrenching story with us. You are in my prayers.

  31. kirsten June 7, 2011 at 12:59 pm #

    love meeting your boys! continuing to pray.

  32. Allison Wunderland June 7, 2011 at 1:04 pm #

    Thank you for telling us in a previous post not to worry about saying the wrong thing. Words feel awkward, but they’re all I have since you’re over there and I’m over here. As I commented on Carey’s blog, I love their names. Thanks for filling us in on where they came from.

  33. Christy R June 7, 2011 at 1:17 pm #

    Thank you for sharing. Those boys know how much you love them.

  34. Donna June 7, 2011 at 1:34 pm #

    I have been following this incredible journey for a few weeks now. Thank you for inviting everyone into your lives. And know that when you have cried, I have cried along with you. Your eloquence and way with words have made the journey even more poignant. Please know that you and Carey and your three precious boys are in my thoughts and prayers constantly.

  35. Becky Ferrell June 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

    That was the most tender and loving description of your sons. I will always remember this, the boys were fortunate to have you as parents. Love, Becky

  36. Stephanie Barrett June 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

    Having known you at 16, it is without question that you have become that man. It is indeed also without question that your sons are very proud of you as well.

    “…And so hold on when there is nothing in you…”
    Praying you will feel Him holding you in the next 60 seconds, and the next after that, and the next after that…

  37. Carrie Calaway Thomas June 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    As tears stream down my face reading this was the most precious tribute to have ever read from a father to his sons. I knew the day I met you you would someday be an awesome father and that you are. Praying for you and your wife that you may be comforted by God’s grace. Knowing that someday you will be able to hold your sons again. Your boys were so fortunate to have you as parents.

  38. JKP June 7, 2011 at 3:36 pm #

    What a beautiful tribute and what a difference these boys have made in the lives of so many in such a short time. No one reading your post could not be forever moved. You are a great Dad and they know how much they are loved. Continuing to keep you and your wife in my prayers. Mourning in Maryland.

  39. Angie June 7, 2011 at 4:01 pm #

    What a beautiful tribute. Praying for comfort and peace for you and Carey.

  40. Joyce Warnecke June 7, 2011 at 4:20 pm #

    Thank you for sharing your tender thoughts and feelings about your precious boys. I am awaiting my own sons arrival of his first child, and your tribute to Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar has touched me and reminded me that our Lord has complete control in our lives and his will be done. God bless you and Carey.

  41. Julie Coffee June 7, 2011 at 4:23 pm #

    I work with your sister Erin and I cannot express my sorrow for what your family is going through. You wrote beautiful words that brought me to tears about your three wonderful boys. They are in God’s embracing hands and he will help guide you through this sad time. Many warm thoughts and prays from Ohio.

  42. Lauren Martin June 7, 2011 at 4:29 pm #

    Thank you for helping me know my nephews. I so wanted to watch you “do your thing” with those boys. I am so proud that you are my brother. I have read the poem “If” literally every day since I learned of Rudyard’s namesake on Sunday. (And of course, I cry every time!) Though I will never have a son of my own, I read it and wish those things for my girls. Thank you for sharing your heart. I love ya, bud.

  43. Helen June 7, 2011 at 5:00 pm #

    That was so beautifully written, Jeremy. A wonderful tribute to your brave boys. Thank you for sharing this with the world. You, Carey and your boys will not be forgotten.

  44. genandmikeyswedding June 7, 2011 at 5:09 pm #

    This is such a touching post, and I am so sorry to hear about all of this. My thoughts are with your family.

  45. Bob W. June 7, 2011 at 5:18 pm #

    Thank you, Jeremy, for sharing your children with us. You are a good father and I am proud to be a part of your family.

  46. Erin Burtoft June 7, 2011 at 5:46 pm #

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am desperate to know every tiny detail about your sons, my nephews. Thank you for letting us all in. They were brave and fought hard–so did you and Carey. It was the ultimate act of love to give them permission to go when they needed to. I am still in disbelief that I will never meet them. You are Carey are incredible parents. Thanks for sharing with all of us.

  47. Alisha June 7, 2011 at 6:00 pm #

    Tears poured down my face as I read your testament to your boys. So many thoughts crowded my head … my heart aches for you both tonight. Lord, love on these parents extra special tonight … grip them in your Hand and carry them through. Bless them Lord … pour your soothing balm and love on them. Heal their hearts, their bodies, their souls. Comfort them, Father, with the knowledge that these babies are with You. That they will one day be reunited. Give them peace and rest.

    Thank-you for sharing such a special story with those of us you will never meet … though it was not intended to do so, you blessed my life … I suffered a loss of a baby several years ago and I will always remember that baby … but you reminded me to love harder today and to cherish the time I have. God bless you, Jeremy and Carey … bless you in every way. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He shine His countenance among you and give you peace. May His blessing ever be on you. Amen.

  48. Becky June 7, 2011 at 6:22 pm #

    I don’t know you personally as many other do not, but i have followed your story and prayed for you. I am so sorry for your loss, but I also know as you expressed…you have three beautiful sons awaiting you and your wife in heaven. I think the names you chose and the explanations for each are just wonderful…unique and beautiful at the same time.I alos love the Kipling poem and anothe favorite of mine is the book, The Little Prince. my favoite quote being. “It is only with heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eyes.” I think you have and will continue to viiew this journey with your sons in that way until you are together again. peace and blessings to you both.

  49. Renea June 7, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

    *Hugs to you all* Love. Prayers. and Peace be with You. R.

  50. Darcy Hahn June 7, 2011 at 7:08 pm #

    You guys dont know me either but I am friend of Lauren’s in Ohio. I can relate to your story very well as my husband and I lost a baby at 21 weeks. Actually today marks the anniversary of that day 6/7/07 David James Hahn. Reading your story has brought back so many memories of our time spent in the hospital and the journey that brought us there. I know that the grief is heavy and that you started to think about your lives differently and probably started making changes for the future. If I have any advice or wisdom to give please read the book, Heaven is for Real. It really helped me with the loss of my baby and the two other mis-carriages that I have had. I do want you to know that if your desire is to have more children, please know that it is possible. Please take the time to grieve and just be there for each other. I want you to know that we have a healthy little boy that will be turning three this July, Carsten Creed Hahn. If you or your wife need any support please do not hesitate to send me a message.

    Love and prayers sending your way- Darcy Hahn

  51. Brian Boudreaux June 7, 2011 at 7:20 pm #

    I can not even begin to imagine the pain and heartache you two are going thru right now. As I sit here and cry my eyes out after reading your story, my heart goes out to you completly. I am so sorry for your loss and hope and pray that the pain will ease with time. I have kept up with your journey but never commented until now. Your posts have been so much fun to be a part of and I have no doubt in my mind that you are a great father. Thanks for sharing your journey with us and I will continue to pray for you and your family.

  52. Rachel Joiner June 7, 2011 at 7:29 pm #

    Jeremy and Carey,

    Your boys and their lives are so beautiful. Thank you for letting us all rejoice in their beginnings and mourn in your loss. Their names are perfect. It is a pleasure to meet them through your words. You are both are what I suspected…wonderful, loving, courageous parents.

  53. Christa June 7, 2011 at 7:31 pm #

    so sorry for your loss, and your writings to your boys are so sweet and heartfelt that I nearly cried. never forget you are parents to 3 wonderful little boys that you will see again. for who know what reason Heaven sent for them. we have lost 2 pg recently and feel your pain in a small degree. (((hugs))) to you and your wife and may you know the peace that passes all understanding during this time of your life.

  54. Alexi June 7, 2011 at 7:47 pm #

    “God, it’s not fair”! I say it out loud as I cry…… cos I know He heard me thinking it first. What an amazing Daddy you are…. it’s not fair! It’s unthinkable. I read things like this and I’m so frustrated that God can’t tell us why, at least right now! There will be a day that I meet your boys, and I will know their names. Thank you for introducing these young men to us. What an awesome Daddy you are!!!!! Still praying for you!

  55. Cindy June 7, 2011 at 7:56 pm #

    What a precious way to introduce your boys to the world. I fell in love with each one as you shared his sweet story. I love the memories you made with each boy, even in such a speck of time. Prayers for joy amid the sorrow and God’s peace in your hearts.

  56. Jen June 7, 2011 at 8:05 pm #

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful boys with us. May God bless and comfort you both in the days, weeks, months, to come. Sending you our love and prayers!

  57. LBL June 7, 2011 at 8:18 pm #

    Thank you for sharing their story. Your tribute is beautiful. I was cheering and praying they would defy the odds… I’m so sorry your boys time was cut short. {hugs from a multiples mom blog stalker}

  58. Danielle June 7, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

    Jer-
    I am a loss for words, but know that this tribute to your sons is one of the most beautiful things I have read. Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar will always hold a place in my heart. Thank you for taking special care of my dear friend Carey during such a difficult time. You are a wonderful father and husband, just like I knew you would be. My heart is broken with you both, continue to hold close to each other. All my love and prayers.

  59. Barb June 7, 2011 at 9:26 pm #

    They sound like amazing boys. The names you picked sound very fitting for each one; they will not be forgotten. Thank you for sharing their story. Rest in peace Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar. Praying for your family as you mourn and heal.

  60. tracey June 7, 2011 at 9:51 pm #

    What an unbelievably beautiful tribute to your boys. They are as lucky to have you as parents as you are to have them as sons, as brief as your time together was. My thoughts and prayers are with the five of you.

  61. Jim and Jennifer Schweitzer June 7, 2011 at 10:02 pm #

    I will never forget the day. It was May 13th, 2010. It was the kind of spring day that made you want to go outside and ride your bike, or maybe go for a walk. That day, Jennifer and I lost our little baby. Baby Schweitzer’s heart had just stopped beating 13 weeks into the pregnancy. Jennifer had to go to the hospital, and my little baby was delivered.
    Although I never knew the sex of the baby, my dreams and aspirations were none the less grand for our little one. For those first 12 weeks I would say goodnight to our baby each evening, as I cupped my hands around my mouth and pressed them to Jennifer’s stomach, just so I knrw the baby would hear me.
    As I sit here now, having read your post about your three boys, my heart goes out to you. I have been in a similar situation, and I know how completely destroyed you might feel on the inside.
    I have something else to say to you as well. Please keep your faith, and stay strong. Shortly more than a month after losing our baby, Jennifer got pregnant again. Claire Rose Schweitzer (AKA our miracle baby) was born February 24th, 2011. Please realize that even in this most difficult of time, God has a plan. Even though things might not go in the direction you planned, the new direction can be just as exciting. I know that things will work out for you both. I pray that just as Jennifer and I found out, the two of you will mind something amazing after a tragety like this.

  62. Bridgette Blake (Konopka) June 7, 2011 at 10:49 pm #

    Jeremy and Carey…thank you for introducing me to your boys…yours…forever and always. I think i can see the screen and keyboard now, through all of my tears. What sweet love children bring. Blessed and comforted you will be…epecially when you meet them again and see they are exactly how you described and imagined…with some fun surprises. What a beautiful day that will be…and that day is indeed coming! May God strengthen, comfort, and guide you as you wait. With all of my love to the 5 of you.

  63. Bridget June 7, 2011 at 11:39 pm #

    That was absolutely beautiful.

  64. Allie June 8, 2011 at 2:26 am #

    Jeremy and Carie,
    I have never met you two, but, reading your stories absolutely touched my heart. You are both awesome parents and exceptionally strong individuals. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I will continue to pray for you two as you heal. God Bless!

  65. Amanda alger June 8, 2011 at 2:42 am #

    Wow- you are an amazing writer and absolutely inspire with brave and wise parenting –

  66. Katie H June 8, 2011 at 3:40 am #

    Please accept my condolences, I am so sorry for your loss.

  67. Andrea Toto Flagg June 8, 2011 at 4:24 am #

    It has been years since we saw each other. I can’t even remember if we ever spoke. I was moved by your writing of this blog and I shared several of your posts with my husband.

    At the end, he sat and held my hand and wept with me. I prayed and hoped and wished for a miracle. I crossed my fingers.

    Then I read your last entry. I don’t remember feeling my heart ache like that before. I am so thankful for having had the opportunity to follow you, your wife, and precious Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar through your journey. It has helped me to appreciate what I have and how precious life really is.

    I hope you find comfort in knowing so many people, known and unknown to you, are thinking of your family.

    I will close with a quote from Albert Einstein, which I say to myself every time life throws me for a loop and I begin to wonder if there really is a God…”God does not place dice with the World.”

    May the Peace of the Lord be with You Always…

  68. Brooke June 8, 2011 at 5:14 am #

    Jeremy,

    My eyes are streaming tears right now as I read your tribute. Thank you so much for sharing the boys’ story with us…my heart was full of joy and pain at the same time as I read that you were able to hold them as they left this world. What a gift. You are both being prayed for several times a day by me as I remember you and wonder about how you are both walking through this journey. Your boys are incredribly blessed to have you as their parents! Their beautiful names and your thoughts about and to each one of them show that you are a strong and loving father…something that many boys can only dream of. Please continue to let us know how we can pray because I know this is a long journey you are on.

  69. Amanda Joy June 8, 2011 at 6:16 am #

    I know from experience how God gives us perfect peace in tragic times. I also know that he can bring beauty from the darkest times. I have been praying for you and your wife. That you would physically feel His arms of love around you and that you can bask in the peace that only He can give.
    Amanda Joy

  70. Rochelle Edwards Haas June 8, 2011 at 6:44 am #

    Jeremy and Carey,

    We are holding you in our hearts. Your chronicle of this journey is so incredibly beautiful. Rudyard, Desmond and Oscar have touched so many lives. Though their time here was short, they made such an imprint. Thank you for your love and dedication. May it help to know that you are not alone in your sorrow and are surrounded by healing thoughts and prayers.

    Rochelle and Tom

  71. Lindsay A June 8, 2011 at 7:42 am #

    What beautiful names for your sons. Like many others reading, I don’t know you, but you and your wife are heavy on my heart this morning. Your encouraging words to your sons will be sealed on my heart – what strong, supportive, wonderful parents you are and always will be. I’ll be praying for you and your boys will not soon be forgotten.

  72. Liz June 8, 2011 at 9:22 am #

    My heart aches for you and Carey and your sweet incredible boys. They may have had a limited time here on Earth but they have already reached and imprinted on so many peoples hearts. Rudyard, Desmond and Oscar have touched and inspired and will help heal yours and Carey’s pain. They’ll surround you with all the love and comfort that you as amazing parents have given them. There is no way to take away the extreme hurt and pain and range of emotions that you’re experiencing but you have tons of prayers and well wishes coming your way from New Jersey. Your boys will forever be your boys and will be remembered for the amazing little people they are.

  73. alexandlyndsey June 8, 2011 at 9:37 am #

    Just started following your story…heartbroken for you and praying for you. This was beautiful! What sweet precious, precious boysl God bless you and family!

  74. Jeff June 8, 2011 at 9:47 am #

    I have never felt such sadness for people I have never met. This was a beauifully written, and you chose great names for your boys. I have been thinking of your family a lot over the last while and hug my kids a little longer every time I can. Best of luck to you and your wife, we will be thinking of you.

  75. Natalie June 8, 2011 at 10:42 am #

    We heard of your loss from our dear friends, the Underwoods. Your tribute to your three precious miracles was breathetaking. We are praying for you and your family as you go through these trying times. May God give you strength and peace in knowing they are with their heavenly creator. God bless you and your family.

  76. Betty June 8, 2011 at 11:15 am #

    Knowing your pain as the grandmother of a 6.5 pound little girl with a terrible birth defect, who died 19 minutes after birth in her mommy’s arms– just wish my daughter had had a good man like you– many prayers are lifted up for you and your wife.

  77. Chickenpig June 8, 2011 at 1:11 pm #

    Beautiful names and beautiful tributes. We won’t forget them either, Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar.

    I wish so much that you could watch your boys live to change and grow into their names. Holding a baby in your arms and imagining their futures isn’t enough. It just isn’t fair. I know that if wishes were horses that beggars would ride…but if i had one wish right now, I would give it to you.

  78. Adam June 8, 2011 at 2:39 pm #

    Wow, I can do nothing but pray for you guys and your Sons. You did a beautiful thing, being close and with them during their short life!

  79. Kristin June 8, 2011 at 5:50 pm #

    Here from Genevieve’s blog…my heart is just breaking after hearing about your loss and reading this beautiful tribute to your boys. I have no doubt you will live up to the exemplary example your boys set in the short time they were here. My prayers are with you and your wife.

  80. Alana-isms June 8, 2011 at 6:26 pm #

    This post was such a beautiful and moving tribute to your precious boys! Continuing to send warm thoughts and prayers for you, your wife, and family from Jacksonville, FL.

  81. Kari Frazier June 8, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

    Thank you so much for sharing these private, very special moments with us. I am so sorry your treasures were taken from you. You two are very beautiful people and I wish you the best. May you feel peace one day. All the best to you.

  82. Denice June 8, 2011 at 8:23 pm #

    Jeremy and Carey,
    Rudyard, Desmond and Oscar are looking down on you from a place where there is no pain, where they breathe freely, without struggle, and where they have space to grow into the boys they will be when next you see them. I know this without a doubt for I too, have lost a child, Dot. I never had the joy of meeting her but I talk to her often. Her little sister knows her and loves her. This year in second grade, her class was asked to raise their hands if they had a brother or sister. My little one raised her hand high and proclaimed that her sister was in heaven watching over her. Dot and Caitlin have a bond that transcends time, space and geographic location. They love each other so truly and I am in awe of this love. Your little ones may be gone from your arms and from your view but they are not really gone. They are just out of your sight, that is why you can feel them so strongly in your heart. Dot would have been 9 this year. I know that she would have been beautiful and strong. Though it has been 9 years since she left me, she has never, not one single day, left my heart. I still mourn her passing deeply but I know that I will see her once again and it will be as if she never left me. I thank God for my 2 children and I look forward to the day that my whole family will be reunited. Please take solace in the fact that your boys know how much you love them and how grateful you are for your short time with them. Love each other. Allow your love to flourish in you and through you. Cry and talk and remember. Grieve as often as you need and take no heed in others who try to tell you that it is time to move on. But most of all, allow yourselves to feel joy again, when you are ready because, it is through that joy that your boys will be remembered. Joy will give your peace. My prayers are with you all.
    Denice

  83. Chris Walston June 8, 2011 at 8:31 pm #

    Jeremy,
    You probably don’t remember me from High School, as I was in your sisters class. I learned of your recent tragedy through Lauren, on FB. I am so sorry for the loss you and your family is experiencing. I pray that the LORD will provide you a peace that passes all understanding and that you will rest in the thought that your precious boys are with Him today. May he assuage the anguish of your bereavement as you remember your boys. Blessings upon you all.

    Chris Walston

  84. StayatHomeTripletDad June 9, 2011 at 5:51 am #

    You all are in our thoughts often (hourly or more). We are still following the Bear journey but if I don’t please don’t think it is because I have gone away. It is because I think my time is better spent praying for/with you all rather than typing. Yes, I can do both but I am much better it if I am not multitasking. Plus, I worry about frying my laptop with my tears:)

    Keep the faith,

    Al

  85. Melissa Shade Quince June 9, 2011 at 6:05 am #

    The love for your boys is apparant, the strength of your soul is admirable. You are an amazing father, loving your boys and sharing them with the world in this way. You don’t know me but I stumbled across your blog from some fellow moms of multiples and I’ve been following your story for weeks. I will continue to pray for you and your wife and hope that the spirit of your three precious angels will eventually bring you comfort in the coming days, weeks and years.
    Stay strong and know that so many are rooting for you guys.
    Melissa (mom of 3 sons)

  86. Shelby Cherry June 9, 2011 at 6:17 am #

    What a beautiful tribute to your sons… They were carried, entered, and gently departed this world surrounded by love, and they continue to make a profound impact on the lives of so many. I love them dearly and I have never met your family. Thank you for sharing them with all of us.

  87. Alex June 9, 2011 at 7:53 am #

    What an amazing tribute to your shares. I can feel the love you have for your sons oozing off the computer screen. I am so very sorry for your loss.

  88. Jessica June 9, 2011 at 2:04 pm #

    What a wonderful tribute. Thank you for sharing the story of the Bear boys with us.

  89. Betty Ann June 9, 2011 at 5:40 pm #

    In less than three hours, you were more of a dad to your boys than many men ever are to their children, including my own biological father. I’ve been praying for your family with groanings too deep for words. May the body of Christ wrap its arms around you.

  90. charitylynne June 9, 2011 at 6:18 pm #

    a few words in a comment DO seem completely inadequate, but for what it’s worth, thank you for sharing your three sons with us. Their names seem to fit them perfectly, and I love reading about how you chose them. Know that you & Carey are loved and prayed for continually.

  91. Trish June 9, 2011 at 7:44 pm #

    what am amazing father you are to Rudyard, Desmond & Oscar. I’m so sorry for your loss. Prayers for you, your wife & your amazing boys.

  92. jeansie June 10, 2011 at 2:03 pm #

    It is clear from this most touching tribute to your boys that you are a remarkable father. I am a total stranger; I found your blog months ago from a listing on Multiples & More. It has been an honor to learn of–and pray for–you, your wife, and your incomparable sons, Rudyard, Desmond and Oscar. My prayers for you will continue.

  93. Shelby Cherry June 11, 2011 at 6:35 am #

    Returning to send extra prayers and hugs across the miles. The five of you are so loved, even by those who haven’t had the opportunity to meet you.

  94. gail June 11, 2011 at 5:34 pm #

    I don’t even know how to say how your tribute to the boys has touched me… amazing. Your have done so well as a dad in your short time with them- and are doing well as a dad to them, still, honoring them and sharing their story. Many prayers for you all for strength and peace in your hearts eventually…. and to always know you will be united with them again someday – after they watch over you and love you from above.

  95. Christa Manahan June 11, 2011 at 6:08 pm #

    Jeremy and Carey,

    We have continued to pray for you this week. Your grief has touched our hearts deeply. Please know your boys will not be forgotten, and neither will you as you continue your very difficult journey.

  96. Deanna June 12, 2011 at 8:33 am #

    I am reading this update filled with tears. In some indirect way, I know what you are going through. In 2008, one of my best friends lost her triplet boys. Reading Carey’s story is nearly identical to what E & J went through. I have encouraged her to reach out to you as she knows EXACTLY what you are going through. Very few people truly understand the enormity and the loss. Even as a very close friend, I could not wrap my head around what it was truly like to walk in their shoes. I could only be there for support and try to understand. E’s triplets were from IVF as she was told there was nearly a zero percent chance that she would be able to get pregnant on her own. 6 months after she lost her Angels, she found out she was pregnant, on her own, with a baby. She and J now have a beautiful baby boy that is healthy and happy at 15months old. As hard as it is to get through this extremely difficult time, know that there is light and happiness ahead for you both. The family that you want and desire will be there. My prayers are with you and Carey as you go through this unimaginable loss in your family.

  97. Erica Jaggears June 12, 2011 at 8:49 am #

    I don;t even know where to start, except I know EXACTLY what you are going through and can fell every ounce of pain that you feel now. I too lost my Triplet Boys in 2008. I was placed on bed rest and had a shorted cervix. I delivered my first Angel at 18.5 weeks and then my other 2 Angels at 21.5 weeks. I am a proud Angel Mommy of 3 beautiful boys. I know you are going through a million emotions right now, just trust in your faith and learn to lean on your friends and family. I knew that I fought and did everything I could to hold my babies in, but there was nothing more I can do. It is hard to explain the feelings that you have to others, but I get it. After my 3 boys were called Home my doctor told me to give my body 6 months before started IVF again, and I did. I went back at 6 months to start the entire process over… only to find out with my first ultrasound that I was already 6 weeks pregnant. I was told that my body was not capable of getting pregnant on its’ own that I needed the help of IVF. I know for a fact that my Angels brought me my Miracle child. It does not make it any easier and the birth of son Pierce, does not make the pain go away about the triplets but I know Pierce was a gift. I think about my triplet boys EVERYDAY. I look at my healthy 15 month old and am so thankful for him but I so miss my Angels. Just know you have 3 Angels that will always watch over you and protect you. I will keep you all in my prayers because that is truly what I believed got me through that time in my life. Please email me or call me if you need anything – I know we don’t know each other but we are connected at the heart and our 6 boys are now playing with each other. I blogged my entire pregnancy but since have converted blogs. Please find me on FB, email or call. I pray for your healing, your Angels, and your future. God Bless you all. Erica Jaggears

  98. Sonjia (Warner) Menches June 12, 2011 at 12:04 pm #

    Thank you so much for introducing your amazing little guys to us! While their time here on earth was short, they have made a huge impact to so many! God has given us all a purpose and that goes for your little angels as well.

    I know the love and prayers of family and friends are a huge part of bringing you through this difficult time. Please know that I am one of those praying for you.

    Thanks again for sharing with us. Much Love to you both!

  99. celia June 12, 2011 at 7:14 pm #

    I am most terribly sorry that your time with your sons was so brief. Please accept my prayers for peace in your heart.

  100. bcIMthemommy June 13, 2011 at 11:38 am #

    This is the first post I’ve read of yours and I am very sorry for your loss. The names you chose for your sons were beautiful as was the tribute you wrote. You don’t know me but I was touched by your story and I will pray for healing for you and your wife.

  101. jen June 13, 2011 at 3:09 pm #

    Sending prayers and hugs… I’m so, so sorry!!!

  102. christy June 13, 2011 at 6:38 pm #

    Beautifully written. I’m in tears and can’t imagine the pain & loss you are going through. I wish you the best.

  103. tbonegrl June 14, 2011 at 11:26 am #

    Thank you for sharing the lovely story of how you chose the names for your three beautiful boys. I continue to pray for you.

  104. Tracy June 14, 2011 at 4:10 pm #

    Through all of this-through all the updates that your mom received last week when we were at work, I was constantly reminded that our children are not ours. Our children belong to God and are lent to us so that we can learn more about ourselves; our strengths, our vulnerability, God’s love. My prayer for you and Carey is that you feel God’s presence continuously, even on the “bad days” and that you find comfort in knowing that your babies are cradled peacefully in God’s loving care until the day that you can all be together again.
    Blessings, Tracy

  105. Heather June 15, 2011 at 9:26 pm #

    Thank you for introducing your sweet baby boys to us. ❤ I will be praying for you and your wife during this unimaginable time. Thank you for being an amazing testimony to God's amazing grace.

  106. Brittany Cox June 15, 2011 at 9:56 pm #

    I found your story tonight. I read it aloud to my husband. We cried — we sobbed, actually.

    I can’t imagine the pain — the agony. We have just received the gift of a daughter in January, and the thought of saying goodbye to her (let alone three more as beautiful) buckles dark hurt into my back; my sides, my lungs.

    We are praying for you and your marriage, your families, your future children, and your broken hearts. Most of all — the movement of life, and how confusing that may be.

    I feel like saying we love you — yet we don’t know you. But we love you. We love you. We love you.

  107. Mandey Ejiasi June 16, 2011 at 9:40 am #

    My body hurts for you right now. I’ve had to stop reading a couple of times because this hits so, so close to home. I have one year old twin boys. I could not even begin to imagine what you two have been through. And also, my brothers and sister are triplets (they’re 15). My mom didn’t have the relationship with my dad that you have had with your wife. And my parent’s divorced a few years after the triplets were born. My brothers and sister were born at 33 weeks and were quite small. My brothers struggled for some time. I remember the pain we experienced through that time and it hurts me so much knowing maybe just a little bit of how you feel. You are incredibly brave people. I pray for your family and I pray mostly for your relationship with your wife. That you’ll always be able to communicate and grieve with each other. Thank you for introducing your sweet boys to us. I’ll say some prayers for you and your family and squeeze my boys a little tighter.

  108. Kara June 17, 2011 at 8:34 am #

    You and your wife are so precious and brave. Reading how you comforted and encouraged your sons in their tiny lives is both inspiring and heartbreaking. You are in my prayers.

  109. Marcia (123 blog) June 22, 2011 at 4:41 am #

    Jeremy, what a beautiful and fitting post for your 3 young men. I love the names you chose and more importantly, why you chose them.

    With much love from South Africa
    Marcia

  110. Anina Duren June 23, 2011 at 11:13 am #

    Thank you so much for introducing us to your sons. This was beautifully written and brought me to tears. I confess I did not know about your story until after your boys had already left our world, but it has touched my heart immensely. I can’t imagine the pain you and your wife must feel, I’m so sorry.

    I am not sure if it will be too much for you to handle at this point, but there is another blog written by a dad who lost his twin sons born at 20 weeks this past October. I wanted to pass it along in case it could provide… I don’t know, whatever it is that knowing someone else has been through the same thing as you is supposed to provide. Here is the link: http://www.dazeddad.com/

    Other than that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you somehow find strength in this terrible dark time.

  111. Brittany Profit-Rheinwald June 23, 2011 at 12:20 pm #

    Jeremy:
    I’m sure you probably don’t remember me (I think the last time we saw each other was your graduation party–something that is very foggy in my memory since I was fairly young) anyway, my grandma, Diane Profit, is cousins with your dad. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know your (very) extended family is thinking of you and your wife. I know this time is less than perfect for you but keep your chins up and do all you can to keep moving foward! We are all praying for you!

    Brittany

  112. Wendy July 5, 2011 at 4:41 pm #

    I have read your story and cried many tears for you. I am the sis-in-law of Molly Detweiler. I friend of mine lost two babies, one at 23 weeks and one at 27 weeks. She has a website dedicated to helping families with the loss. astillheart.com I hope you may find some comfort there.

  113. Kristy July 8, 2011 at 2:32 am #

    I just found your blog and began at the start. My sister in-law lost her baby at 24 weeks two months ago, it shook our family badly. I’m so sorry for your loss, I wish I had better words to give you, I could not begin to imagine the pain you both are feeling. Thank you for having the courage to share your storey. My thoughts and prays are with you
    Kristy

  114. Jessica August 3, 2011 at 11:18 am #

    I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I lost our triplets on March 12 and 14, 2009. They were born at 19 weeks after many complications. My water broke on March 12 and our daughter Alexa was born and lived for one minute. They were able to stop labor but 2 days later I developed an infection and the doctors told me that if I did not induce then I would die from the infection. On March 14 our son Jayden was born and lived for 5 hours and our daughter Lilia was stillborn. I was rushed into surgery and the doctors did not think I would survive. It is one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through. Six months after losing our triplets my husband and I did invitro again and on June 2, 2010 our miracle baby boy Jace was born. You are in my prayers. My husband has a blog about our triplets and videos that he made in memory of them.
    http://luiscol.blogspot.com/

    • GGMarie March 24, 2012 at 10:34 pm #

      So sorry for the losses 😦 I just read the story.. I was so hoping for a happy ending. Hope you and your family heal soon.

  115. naomi October 11, 2012 at 6:59 am #

    my heart aches for you and your wife. She is very lucky to have such a wonderful man..

  116. Naomi November 4, 2013 at 5:44 am #

    I am sorry for your loss. But it is Heavens gain. You will see them in Heaven:)
    God bless you both and my prayers are with you and your families.

  117. mrs sana williams November 7, 2013 at 3:54 am #

    I was 24 weeks pregnant with triplets and I lost my babies. 2 were boys and girl! I tried everything but still lost them. My husband and I were having problems. I kept my loss to myself. After 3months I fell pregnant with triplets again. I’m now 22 weeks and very scared. Hoping this time I will carry my babies

  118. Johnf916 June 1, 2014 at 10:13 pm #

    Id forever want to be update on new articles on this internet site, bookmarked ! . cdbabdcckbeb

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Top Posts — WordPress.com - June 8, 2011

    […] The Bear Boys Our sons are gone, but their spirits remain in our hearts, our home, our heads.  Speaking as a father, I’ve never been […] […]

  2. Untitled Thoughts « Twinfinite Fun - June 27, 2011

    […] pregnancy, his children were born rather suddenly at only 22 weeks. If you have the strength, read what he wrote about them here and offer up a prayer for them. But be warned- you might need a kleenex or […]

  3. Where The Fire Began | Tips On Triplets - June 4, 2013

    […] guilty of romanticizing our small hours with our boys when the truth is it was the opposite of romantic. It was tears and […]

  4. Meeting Isaac: A (Home)Birth Story | Life Is What Happens... - August 31, 2013

    […] Magdalen, many of them sweet, but just as many, it seemed, fraught with tragedy and pain. There was one post in particular, written by the father of spontaneously-conceived triplets (as opposed to multiples implanted via […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: