Tag Archives: Babies R Us

Babies ‘R’ Terrifying

18 Apr

Friends, we did it.  We looked into the abyss and glimpsed the future.  And we’ve returned to tell you about it.

For you see, on Saturday, friends, we pilgrimaged to Babies ‘R’ Us.

ARBEIT MACHT FREI

Look, I have no idea what sort of reputation Babies ‘R’ Us has in the baby-parenting community.  I have no doubt whatsoever that it’s probably seen as some oasis of convenience for sleep-hungry mommies who are in desperate need of one of those bulby-squeezy things to blow wax out of their baby’s ear or whatever.  But for baby n00bz like us, it was a total sensory assault.

This is the last thing I saw before passing out.

They don’t waste time, either. As soon as you walk through the door, you’re in the middle of Grand Central Station, next stop OnesiesVille. There’s no “easing” into Babies ‘R’ Us. Like lotto, you’ve gotta be in it to win it.

Our objective was simple enough: the wife has been having a hell of a time sleeping and the experts seemed to agree that what she was missing was a “body pillow.”  Carey saw a pretty attractive one on the Babies ‘R’ Us website, and we were in the neighborhood, so we stopped in.

It didn’t take long before we were swimming in options.  Options for everything.  Clothing options, bedding options, baby monitors, change stations, formula warmers, car seats, play pens… they had an item called The SuperYard, which, near as I can tell, is some sort of mini Mad Max-style Thunderdome for your living room, in case you want to get the wee ones interested in cage fighting early.

It's no small feat finding the loudest baby outfit in the store. Certain garments are only appropriate for a) baby girls or b) old women at the mall experiencing dementia.

I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason to expand your diaper options ad infinitum, but man I don’t know.  Our eyes bulged and we felt small and alone.

An associate walked up to us and asked if we needed any help.  We mentally surfaced long enough to notice that we’d drifted into the stroller section.  Carey asked, “uh, do you have strollers for three?”

He shook his head.  “No, we have a lot of 2 seaters, but no 3s.  I know they make ’em, but that’s pretty specialized.”

“We’re having triplets this summer,” I told him.

He covered his mouth and suppressed a laugh.  “Hoh man.”

I don't know what you're selling, sneaky baby, and I don't trust your furtive side-glances. You hear me, sneaky baby? I have no business with you. So, good day then. MADAME, I SAY GOOD DAY.

The designers of this device endeavored to recreate the experience of Six Flags, reduced to a 1.5 square foot area, and baby-proofed. Congratulations, science.

Oh, you need a baby hygiene product of some sort? Let me go hit the hygiene aisle.

I'm sure I'll only be a minute.

We eventually got out of there with our body pillow (which has indeed helped), but not before signing up for a Babies ‘R’ Us rewards card.  At some point in the very near future, we’ll need to register for baby shower stuff, but, at the moment, our eyeballs haven’t stopped spinning.

The wife mentioned that she had no idea, pre-B’R’U, how much we have to learn about this whole parenting deal.  (Kids outgrow car seats?  You have to buy more than one of these things per kid as they get bigger?  At $200+ per car seat, per triplet, per growth cycle, that works out to roughly, mm, awholelottafriggindough.)  She suggested we do what our also-expecting friends Tony and Stacey are doing, which is take weekend baby classes.  After this experience, I’m not ruling it out.

Anyhow, it was our first visit of likely many to come to America’s Infant MegaMart.  Like some kind of expectant-father-former-P.O.W., I’m not looking forward to going back in, but, by god, I’ve gotta do it eventually.  After all, I’ve got buddies in there who are counting on me.

For the triplets.  THE TRIPLETS.

Ho!

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